Douchebags (P. 4) Fast and Furious

Today’s performance-enhanced douchebag is the owner of that pissed off weed eater sounding Honda Civic you see meandering around town. You know the ones; you hear it a block and a half away, then you see it in all its glory – low with ground effects, torn and fading mirror tint, and a huge cannon looking exhaust sticking out of the rear of the car, but staggeringly slow for some odd reason.

This four banging 130 HP 5 speed was never meant to be fast or furious, but so many try to replicate the movie that should have never been made to begin with. Don’t pull your 1992 Civic V-Tech next to a new Mustang Shelby and expect to have good results as this car is actually built for speed, unlike your grocery getter. C’mon guys, you cannot honestly think you are going to pull some hot, movie star-looking tail in that loud, slow, chic car that by the way – is not in a movie.

Now it does not take a rocket scientist to understand that revving your car up to max RPMs every time the light turns green is probably not good for it. It also does not take a brain with legs to understand the combustion on a small engine like that may be thrown off by making the exhaust free flowing instead of the factory recommended settings and discharge rates. Now I know that sounds fancy to those of you who think making your car louder also makes it faster, but rest easy as you loudly putter down the road in your furious state of Honda fury.

I could actually care less what you do to your POS; I like to fix mine up too by putting gas in it and changing the oil when I am supposed to. Please have respect for children sleeping while you drive by at 1 AM due to your lack of job and attempts to stay away from your parents knowing they are just going to give you a hard time because you are a loser. If you are old enough to be on your own and you fit into this category, then you may have more pressing issues. Until next time, race you to the next red light!

– Me


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